there was a morning in my first trip to europe that i will never forget. i’d spent the night in a crowded train, with someone’s socks in my face, desperately trying to eke out some semblance of sleep despite the extreme contortions my body had been forced into. i hadn’t eaten anything for a couple of days, my emergency credit card failing to work whatsoever, and was completely out of cash, sleeping in a moving train my only available option for the night. i was looking forward to another long, tired, hungry day in a country where i didn’t speak the language.
in the early morning, the train stopped at a quiet station and i watched as a few folks got out. suddenly inspired, i grabbed my shit and went searching for a car with more room. lo and behold, i found an absolutely empty cabin with my name on it. once settled, i decided to do my morning buddhist prayers in appreciation. as the train pulled around a mountain, i stood up and begin to chant facing the window.
and there was the sun beginning its climb, bathing me in refreshing light and warmth. a magical moment. i chanted from the bottom of my heart with the determination that absolutely nothing would stop me from pursuing my dreams, not poverty, not hunger, not confusion. i cherished the opportunities inherent in my life. despite the difficulty in my situation, i felt strong, confident, happy, appreciative and invincible at the core of my being. clearly, one of the best moments i’ve ever experienced.
i’ve thought about that moment a lot recently. over the last several weeks i’ve been feeling like i’m back in the crowded compartment breathing fetid sock odor.
the truth is i’m lonely. i miss lemur badly. and since she was one of the few people i knew here in berkeley, i’ve been struggling with that sense of isolation that has gotten me into deep shit before. while my days are generally fine, the nights have been a long, deep conversation with my fears. i’ve done more crying in the last month than i have in the last year.
at the core, i know this trial will end. winter never fails to turn into spring. impermanence is a fact of life. i’ve been through hardship enough to know that this is reality even when it feels that all is lost. but, even knowing this, it is a battle with myself not to succumb to the pain.
with my private time, i’ve been focusing on trying to get my life together. i spent the last several days cleaning the hell out of my place while trying to ward off the hives that hit when i’m exposed to house dust (moderately successful). i’m reconnecting with some of the things i love to do that i was ignoring while in lemur’s delicious spell. i’ve made concerted efforts to connect with the local buddhist organization, seeking encouragement from others familiar with my cosmology. i’m trying to create a work situation that won’t erode my soul. and i keep attending social events even when i feel like climbing under a rock; the night before easter i danced my ass off at the bunny jam in full costume. i’m trying, dammit.
several of my friends think that once i connect with someone new i will be propelled out of my funk. maybe. i am certainly hungry for intimacy; really at this point just to be able to hold somebody would relax me. but, i am hesitant. the couple of attractive women i’ve met recently thrive in that same social circle i’ve culled from in the past. it is getting a little claustrophobic; such a small town really. better to keep an eye outside my safety zone and give myself the gift of taking my time. as painful as this period has been, i can already see a lot of good coming out of it. no point in jumping back into a relationship if i still have solo things to work out. which i do.
so, i’m chanting every day for the wisdom to make the decisions that will propel me forward, and for the courage to keep fighting despite my fears, weaknesses, and delusions.
and looking for the sun to come up over the mountains.
