to further complicate things, i’ve also recently sorted through my plethora of photos: assorted family pix, the way my face/haircut/body/demeanor has changed over time, all of those youth activities across the country, traveling through europe/hawaii/u.s., my marriage, workplaces, lost friendships- a subset of the flow of experience through static snippets.  i have lived many, many lives in this one.

it has been a very interesting exercise in self-reflection.  there were many bits i’d forgotten about, many trials sort of relived in the reading or viewing, and quite a few things that i have misremembered, some of which were very important; a few amends were made in the rediscovery of the truth.  having gained so much from the rereading, there are a lot of large gaps i wish i had documented.  on one page, after a particularly horrendous entry, is scrawled the words “two and a half years later”.  alas.

there are quite a few baked rants that are fairly illegible, creative spellings, innumerable quotes gleaned from books i’ve enjoyed, some cool hand drawings, lots of determined buddhism and generous amounts of sarcasm.  yep, that’s me.

it’s funny to read what you’ve written to yourself because it is the truth without blinders or subterfuge.  for a once defensive liar like me that is particularly powerful.  though at the outset i was really worried that my girlfriend of the time would violate my trust and read what i was writing, resulting in some self-editing, that progressively gave way to full spleenage.  perhaps one of the coolest results of going through the process has been forgiving myself for my past hangups, confusions, and misunderstandings, which in some ways has been like lifting an old carapace of regret off of my back.  it has also been instructive to recognize that i have always known struggle, my readings confirming what i know in the abstract, that all trials do, indeed, come to an end.  hell, most of the shit that i was suffering through at any given time, that seemed so paramount, ugly, insane, etc., i have since completely forgotten.  gives me hope for my current b.s.

ultimately, i have to say that i like the kid who started writing it all down.  he’s been through a lot of shit, made a lot of mistakes, helped a lot of people, accomplished a great deal, and, more than anything, never failed to pick his discouraged ass up to face the next challenge.  suffer what there is to suffer; enjoy what there is to enjoy. at times it has seemed like i’ve just focused on one aspect of that guidance, but now i seem to be living the other bit about continuing to chant no matter what happens. the aggregate is what really counts.

mom tells me that when i was first learning to stand in the crib, i would pull myself up, teeter, fall into the bars, cry, and then do it again.  and again. and again. i repeated it until i could stand without falling.

several decades later the bars may have changed, but it is still about standing up again.  and having some appreciation for the people who were there with you, and for yourself for wiping away the tears, straining those tired legs, and seeking the ever elusive balance.

today, after a lot of sleep, i still felt like the underside of a bart chair.  again, had to push myself to make an appointment tied to a death in the family, but fortunately was otherwise able to rest most of the day.  starting to feel a little better, though my throat still hurts.  at least i can swallow without whimpering.
i’ve had to cancel five different important things.  it’s weird, i almost never get sick these days.  large groups of friends have been hit with the crud at various times during the last year, but i always seem to evade it.  not this time.  still not sure where i got it, public transpo is looking like a prime suspect, but could be that all of the stress i am under has finally shut things down.  i’ve got to start taking better care of myself.
it’s at times like these that i really appreciate the fact that i am generally very healthy.

but this is nothing new. been hooping my ass off recently. lots of jamming. lots of fire. lots of performing. feels like i’m approaching a new level of ability and flow. glad to have broken through the sense of stagnation that hits from time to time. and it is a kick in the pants to know that now i am technically a professional hooper. my mom said that i am the only person she knows who actually did run off and join the circus.

tonight, i co-teach my first “official” (ie paid) 8- week hoop class at gold’s gym in soma. i’m excited. it can be really fun teaching newbies. nothing like the delight of the uninitiated. will be nice to be able to focus on teaching instead of the usual jonesing for spin time for myself. particularly given my soreness at the moment, the idea of just teaching simple waist hooping is very appealing.

my fire troupe has 3 performances scheduled over the summer at cocomo and we just got accepted into the fire arts festival on july 10th. we have been filming practices to complete our submission for participating in the conclave at burning man. achieving a whole new level of comfort with fire. burning myself less. not that scared of burning my face off anymore.

HooppaiN is about to morph. our usual practice place, the house of pain, will no longer be available after the final jam next week. though we have some other locale options, i’m leaning towards just ending it on the high note and then, like a flash mob, throwing impromptu jams intermittently. i will miss the regular pain connection with my peeps, but i hoop with them all the time anyway, so should be fine.

next week, i’m looking at three hardcore hoop practices in a row before my next class and the weekend hoopla. i tell ya, this lifestyle sure requires vitamins;-)

at the moment it is sucking pretty hard. gotta love the vicissitudes of daily life. (yep, that is sarcasm)

not that i’ve turned into an asshole. i still do my damnedest to treat the world with compassion and respect, trying to recognize the inherent enlightenment in others. true, at times, this enlightenment seems to be pretty fucking dormant, but, i still try not to just tell people to fuck off. i try dialogue. i apologize for my mis-steps. still learning what to do when they simply don’t want to hear what i have to say, which seems to be the current trend.

anyway, the saga continues. suffer what there is to suffer. enjoy what there is to enjoy.

i met pixie at bah (of course). she joined hooppain shortly thereafter, and has been dedicated ever since. i felt instantly at ease with her. in a relatively short timeframe, she has become my most reliable party companion. and that has turned out to be considerably better than another love/lust interest.

her bday adventure marked the start of 6? 7? weekends (so far) of solid rockstar shenanigans. the rest of the group ebbs and flows with quality peeps from our respective circles, but it always seems to be me and pixie at the vanguard. we are both instigators and caretakers, by nature, with an exuberant passion for partying. i daresay that when we are driving the party train, a good time is usually assured for all participants. it has been a hell of a lot of fun: clubbing, spinning fire, watching yet another sunrise with tired eyes. she is one of the few peeps i’ve met who can keep up with me. i’m not kidding. the way she puts it, we have the same kind of battery.

yesterday, at the tail end of another full weekend of mayhem with a particularly cool group of mutual friends, we were discussing how great it has been to have reliable companionship without bullshit while working through the emotional turmoil of our respective break ups. i know i’ve needed it. one of the things that sucked about going out when i first moved back to the bay was that i ended up going to so many events alone. pixie has helped me go full throttle without that loneliness. she has become a confidante and a fantastic friend; a needed safety net, particularly when other peeps that i would usually turn to are either unreliable or in non-participatory mode. i’m pleased to play the same role for her.

i’ve had other significant non-romantic friendships with women that have been a similar joy. my close friendship with michelle, while we lead youth activities in seattle, is one of my most treasured connections. i feel really fortunate that once again i’ve found a great female companion. i think ultimately my romantic relationships really benefit from these kinds of connections, because i invariably learn a great deal about women from these friendships. nice to have that viewpoint without the added complications that intimacy seems to bring. plus, it is just plain fun.

so, a shout out of appreciation to pixie. thanks for your willingness to co-lead this adventure. you are, without a doubt, a true rockstar.

you can share a limo with me anytime;-)

happy to have had the transition; lemur means a lot to me- needed to mourn for a bit, process. also needed to reconnect with myself, my goals, how i want to spend my time. unpeeling yet another layer of delusion.

i’ve enjoyed so many really fun events recently. the bunny jam was an absolute blast; me and qp owning the stage in full bunny regalia. i’m still recovering from pain pixie’s bday adventure; it started with absinthe, need i say more? the fashion show, a huge success (i managed not to freak out while handling the little fires that cropped up); the after party, truly epic- a full night on the dancefloor and hanging in the furred out vip lanai. my sis’s visit was fantastic; such an incredible young woman- i am so fucking proud of her. hooppain has been the most fun, ever; the dedicated group is growing, new dj’s throwing down, mayhem breaking up the week, still the place that helps me to advance the most as a hooper. and, tonight i leave for a weekend of fire drums in santa cruz.

i’ve connected with a whole new group of cool peeps. i’m enjoying the flattering attention of some lovely women. my calendar is full of fun things around the corner. damn i love my life.

good to feel better.

in the early morning, the train stopped at a quiet station and i watched as a few folks got out. suddenly inspired, i grabbed my shit and went searching for a car with more room. lo and behold, i found an absolutely empty cabin with my name on it. once settled, i decided to do my morning buddhist prayers in appreciation. as the train pulled around a mountain, i stood up and begin to chant facing the window.

and there was the sun beginning its climb, bathing me in refreshing light and warmth. a magical moment. i chanted from the bottom of my heart with the determination that absolutely nothing would stop me from pursuing my dreams, not poverty, not hunger, not confusion. i cherished the opportunities inherent in my life. despite the difficulty in my situation, i felt strong, confident, happy, appreciative and invincible at the core of my being. clearly, one of the best moments i’ve ever experienced.

i’ve thought about that moment a lot recently. over the last several weeks i’ve been feeling like i’m back in the crowded compartment breathing fetid sock odor.

the truth is i’m lonely. i miss lemur badly. and since she was one of the few people i knew here in berkeley, i’ve been struggling with that sense of isolation that has gotten me into deep shit before. while my days are generally fine, the nights have been a long, deep conversation with my fears. i’ve done more crying in the last month than i have in the last year.

at the core, i know this trial will end. winter never fails to turn into spring. impermanence is a fact of life. i’ve been through hardship enough to know that this is reality even when it feels that all is lost. but, even knowing this, it is a battle with myself not to succumb to the pain.

with my private time, i’ve been focusing on trying to get my life together. i spent the last several days cleaning the hell out of my place while trying to ward off the hives that hit when i’m exposed to house dust (moderately successful). i’m reconnecting with some of the things i love to do that i was ignoring while in lemur’s delicious spell. i’ve made concerted efforts to connect with the local buddhist organization, seeking encouragement from others familiar with my cosmology. i’m trying to create a work situation that won’t erode my soul. and i keep attending social events even when i feel like climbing under a rock; the night before easter i danced my ass off at the bunny jam in full costume. i’m trying, dammit.

several of my friends think that once i connect with someone new i will be propelled out of my funk. maybe. i am certainly hungry for intimacy; really at this point just to be able to hold somebody would relax me. but, i am hesitant. the couple of attractive women i’ve met recently thrive in that same social circle i’ve culled from in the past. it is getting a little claustrophobic; such a small town really. better to keep an eye outside my safety zone and give myself the gift of taking my time. as painful as this period has been, i can already see a lot of good coming out of it. no point in jumping back into a relationship if i still have solo things to work out. which i do.

so, i’m chanting every day for the wisdom to make the decisions that will propel me forward, and for the courage to keep fighting despite my fears, weaknesses, and delusions.

and looking for the sun to come up over the mountains.

we met at the famed housewarming party of feb 07.  we were instantly attracted to one another. (i mean, bam)  i still have a very clear picture of her dancing in my living room.  i remember thinking, who the hell is that!?  then i put two and two together and realized who she was and how complicated this would be.  we’d been hearing about each other for some time.

getting to know her, i realized she was a very grounded, caring, compassionate soul.  drop dead gorgeous.  fun to be around. playful. great conversationalist. super intelligent. a’s across the board.
after some false starts and stops, we ended up a couple. we’ve tried to make it work ever since.  lived in our own mythology.  shared on a very intimate level.  hard to express how much i care for her or how much i appreciate the gift of the time we’ve spent together.  i’ve never had a healthier relationship. never worked harder on communication or myself.

coming out of my divorce, i was sure that i’d never be in love again.  to my surprise, i did find it with lemur.  and now, in pain at the thought of parting from such a great friend and soulmate, it is hard not to think that no one will ever bond with me like that again.  she has set the bar so high.

i can never say for sure what will happen down the road, but i’m going to downshift to personal time for a spell. reorient. regroup. spend some time alone.  try to do fun things with my peeps.  focus on building a little more stability and listening carefully to what i need to hear within myself.